THE DECREES OF FABLISM / PT. 1
17 December 2008
1. Candy, silk, the wearing of audio headphones, and the drinking of Pepsi is forbidden (Coca Cola is OK).
2. "Hawaiian" deep dish pizza can only be consumed between 3.00 - 5.00pm every third Sunday.
3. Mass gathering for worship occurs at 2pm everyday. And we mean exactly 2pm. Even if one is in midst of operating heavy machinery or dangling from a cliff, worship must commence at 2pm.
4. Worship sessions involve muttering the "16 Sentences of Truth" indiscernably so that no worshipper abreast can understand what you are saying. Worship sessions are followed by an invigorating 15 minute group game of dodgeball.
5. Whomever is struck last with the dodgeball at the end of the 15 minutes must go home later that evening and pray, pray, pray really hard to avoid having his/her flesh burning for eternity in Hell.
6. Homosexuality is forbidden. Any individual practicing homosexuality shall thereforth be draped in a white sheet and painted to match the surrounding scenery and be unseen (this, of course, is difficult if the individual is highly mobile).
7. Materialism and money are looked down upon. But like most religions, money is thrown around and practiced with fervour and modesty is paid by lip service in theory and conversation. In fact, in Fablism, it is decree to say one is not interested in money but then to be striving to make as much of a fortune as possible in practice.
8. All other forms of worship are wrong. They are all idiots.
9. Even when totally proven wrong, such as being called on Fablist belief that rubbing one's skin in acetone makes one look younger and attractive... they are still all idiots.
10. One must sleep in a bed approximately 3/4 the length of the sleeper's actual body length or they will go to Hell.
Note: Fablists are extremely good at dodgeball.
(Inspired by the book "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut).
